My Best Friend

Today my husband and I have been married for twelve years and I can honestly say I am married to my best friend. For those of you who know us, you know this isn't just a story of longevity and happily ever after. We aren't the "childhood friends who grew up and got married" kind of best friends. 

No that isn't our story.

Ours is a story of passionate pursuit, perseverance, and persistence. A story of brokeness and of depth of experiences, refusing to give up and finding joy in the midst of it all. It is a journey that grows more deeply and richly and continues on, flowing like a river - sometimes gentle and sunny and sweet and I can lie back in it, feeling the gentleness of it and the warmth on my skin; while other times it has been tumultuous and wild and risky and exuberant and I've had to hang on with everything I've got - not teenaged trashy movie, melodrama for the sake of a good conflict in the storyline of boy meets girl/loses girl/wins girl back; but truly a story of redemption. Coming to the cross and looking up to find the love that heals and makes whole and restores and rebuilds and repairs and renews.

It is this story that has made him my best friend. The realness and the rawness. Beauty from ashes. As the card he left by the coffee pot this morning reads "life isn't perfect, but love doesn't care." I eagerly await the next imperfect twelve years with you Larry Neubauer. I love you, my best friend. 

Taste and See

 "The Waiting is the Hardest Part"   collage mixed media by Crystal Neubauer

This weekend I found out three of my works were accepted into White Stone Gallery's annual Summer Show and I couldn't pretend this isn't a major big deal to me if I tried. This gallery represents Makoto Fujimura's work, so I am pretty much slobbering all over myself in stunned amazement. 

There is this side of me that wanted to play it all cool in front of you, like, I'm such a professional that I take this kind of thing in stride; that oddly self-protective side that doesn't want to show my vulnerability by telling you just how excited I actually am. But I can't help it, I am bouncing-on-my-tippy-toes-waiting-for-Santa- while-standing-by-the-shore-watching-my-ship-come-in-excited!

I really wanted to get in to this show but I tried not to get too anxious over it. I kept reassuring myself that God has me on a journey and I can trust him with it whether this opportunity opened up for me or not. But then the day the list was supposed to be posted online came and the gallery decided to reschedule the announcement by two whole days! 

And so my anxiety anticipation grew. 

I tried to let go and, you know, carry on with normal life. But there it was in the back of my mind for those two days tantalizing and keeping me ever so slightly on the edge of my seat. Finally the new time rolled around so I calmly logged on to the website, took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes half shut, peeking through my lashes, only to read that they rescheduled again! 

This time by just a few hours but once again my anxiety anticipation grew. I believe the words that came to mind were "I want this so badly I can taste it!"

hmmm...I want it so badly I can taste it? The thought caused me to stop as a feeling of condemnation started to creep in.

You see nine months ago I was looking for God's direction during an intense time of prayer; work, life, goal setting kind of direction and a very distinct word from the Lord came to me that I was to be a fine art artist and that was the avenue I should continue to pursue. In some Christian circles this kind of personal promise/word from God is called a "Rhema" and I had it to hold on to. I knew that it was mine and God wanted me to trust Him with it.

But after a few rejections from other shows that I had really hoped for this year, I was beginning to feel as if this promise was never going to come to fruition and maybe, just maybe, I needed to remind God about it. So there I sat on Saturday night during church having trouble focusing on just being with Him during worship and I prayed  "God you promised!" and "I want it so badly I can taste it!" with just the slightest bit of foot stomping for emphasis.

As soon as the thought formed I knew that I had gotten off track. The weight of condemnation settled on my shoulders with a heavy sigh. But just as quickly it lifted as I felt God's comfort wrap me like a caring friend.

"Yes, taste my child! Taste and enjoy this desire, but don't let it worry you. I placed this gift inside of you and it is I that is drawing it out. I gave you my word and you can trust me."

"Taste and enjoy. Taste and see that the Lord is good."

Taste and see that the LORD is good! How blessed is the person who trusts in him! ~Psalm 34:8

With The Summer

"With the Summer"  Mixed Media Collage by Crystal Neubauer

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.”
~F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

And so it is with the Summer, a season of beginning over again. I have a sense of new beginnings. Fresh breezes coming in the windows prompt me to throw the curtains in the wash and soak in the sun for the day. My thoughts stir with the excitement that the summer season promises to bring.

I feel a long post stirring inside. Snippets of words and thoughts float to the surface of my mind. but not today. It is still as a dream upon wakening; just beyond my conscious and still too abstract to touch. 

Today I simply want to celebrate the season. A lawn mower hums, the birds can be heard in the branches of the trees and the water laps at the edge of the lake just beyond the neighbors back yard. I am mellow and filled with joy. It is my youngest daughters 24th birthday. New things are certainly in the air and it is tempting to worry over them. but not today.

Today I bring to you an offering of new small works on my website and my series of 10x10 collages, sans frames. My own little Summer Art Festival, virtual booth, if you will. Check them out here and here.   

I Rise

"I Rise"  Collage Oil Painting Mixed Media by Crystal Neubauer

"Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise."

~ Maya Angelou

True Confessions of an Artist

I have a confession to make....and I hope you aren't shocked by what I'm going to say...but the truth is I don't always know what the hell I'm doing.

There. That feels good to get off my chest.

You see, this internet world - the world of self-marketing and promoting - can be tricky. On the one hand I am selling a product, this is my career, and my income depends on you believing in that product enough to want to invest in it. It has to have some polish and all the pieces need to fit together in a way that is visually appealing.

And so I post the really good stuff. The finished product. The good news of the latest happenings. The places I'll be teaching, the books I'll be published in, the latest sale or the awesome things going on in my community or home.

And it all looks really good from the outside, when all you see are the highlights of a life online.

But on the other hand, I am a real person and, like most real people, I want to be known and seen and heard for who I really am. But who I really am is sometimes often messy. Sometimes I lack direction or the skill I need or the resources or even the motivation to do the things I want to do.

I sit down at my work table with a blank canvas, or my computer with a blank screen in front of me and I have no idea where to start. Sometimes I have a vague idea of what I want to do, but more often then not, I am just as blank as the screen.

And this is where many people get stuck. They think they have to know exactly what to do or how to do it before they can attempt the thing they find appealing. They think "if only I had gone to the right school, had more money, the right supplies, a brilliant idea or some sort of guarantee of the outcome, then I could start.

And looking at somebody else's life online can be a source of motivation, but it can, and often is, just another place to get stuck. "If only I had what she has, the skill, the money, the loving husband or family...then my life would be perfect, I could do all the things I ever wanted to do. I could take risks too if I had that life."

I used to do that, still do sometimes, but then I realized that all the "If only's" in the world weren't going to get me anywhere. I had to start with what I have available and work with the skills I do have.

So here I am. I just wanted to come clean with you today. I really don't know what the hell I am doing most of the time. I try and I fail. I get back up and I try something else and I fail again. And I try again and again and again until I finally succeed.

And that is the difference for me. One day I realized I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn't try, if I didn't write, if I didn't create, didn't apply for the show, or didn't ask to teach, then I was of saying I did risk it all but I failed.

True success isn't in the perfectly polished finished product or the filled up workshop, or the published article or book, or number of sales. No, true success is being able to show off the stack of rejection letters, the vacant seats, the pile of art that didn't turn out well and having the conviction to say "I will try again tomorrow".

" I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7